"Movies can be fantastic experiences, but if one out of twenty or one out of forty is worth a shit, then you're lucky." - Harry Crews
Alien Raiders
Almost the exact same premise as The Mist (minus all that ridiculous Jesus malarkey) and almost as good too. A great little low budget alien invasion movie. Very recommended.
Aliens vs. Predator Requiem
The movie equivalent of irritable bowel syndrome. Utter drivel that at least managed to be better than the first one. But not by much.
Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film For Theatres
Worth watching for the opening song alone but this movie spin off from the TV adventures of a milkshake, a packet of fries and a meatball is a chuckle. Weed helps.
Batman: The Dark Knight
Waaaaay too long. The ending doesn't really make sense. Ledger is very good. The rest less so. But it's pretty to look at, goes like a train and you never feel patronised which makes a nice change.
Batman: Gotham Knights
Set of anime Batman's to bridge the gap between the last film and the new one. Some nice animation and some really piss-poor characterisations wrapped up in a series of tales that veer from mediocre to middling.
Carnival of Souls
(23rd Century)
A young woman, the sole survivor of a car crash that kills her two friends, moves towns to take up a job as the church organist. On the way there and upon arrival she is plagued by visions of a grey man and finds herself drawn towards a deserted carnival on the outskirts of town. Her odd behaviour soon gets her fired and drives away everyone who attempts to get close to her. Some fine acting (and some not so fine) makes good use of a slightly pedestrian script but it's the sets and the camera work that are the stars here. My screen capture button has never worked so hard. Beautifully crafted, this film is a joy to watch.
City of Rott
Zombie cartoon about an old man and his Zimmer (walker) in a city filled with the walking dead. It's not perfect but it is fun and it does have it's moments. It was entirely written, filmed, edited, etc by one lone geek who kinda spoils the end of the movie by showing a full set of credits all with his name next to them.
Clerks (10th Anniversary Edition)
(Miramax)
I didn't really like Clerks when I first saw it on it's release. The oh-so hip grunge soundtrack, the piss poor acting and the grainy black and white film put me off enough so that when I finally relented enough to watch it I paid it no attention and got nothing out of it. Fast forward 5 / 6 years and I was ready to try again. I loved it. The acting was still piss poor and the soundtrack was still awful (and it was still in black and white) but this time I was listening and that's where the absolute genius of this movie lies. A near-perfect, razor sharp script that exposes the mindless banality of shop work (trust me I know, I clocked up 7 years behind the counter myself) and is damned funny to boot.
For this, the 10th anniversary DVD, we get not only the film that we all know and (finally) love along with its original commentary but also a second disc with the original, no music / dead Dante, cut of the movie with an all new commentary aaannnddd a third disc consisting of an excellent 'making of' documentary that trawls through Smiths life before, during and just after Clerks. There's some other stuff on there too but it's the documentary that makes this box set essential to any fan of the movie.
Day of the Dead (2008)
All this running zombie nonsense has got to stop. They're not meant to be fast and maniacal, they're meant to be slow, plodding, mindless hordes. They're scary not because they are coming to get you (Barbara) but because they are you. You can't escape because they're everywhere and everyone. They are the crushing, shambling, faceless, soulless multitudes and it's our fear of our own pointlessness that makes them so exquisitely terrifying.
In this abortion they not only run but also jump and scamper across the ceiling. A zombie movie made by zombies. Unremitting shit.
Dead Set
Written by fabulously funny Guardian newspaper columnist (my Mondays wouldn't be the same without him) and writer Charlie Brooker (he was one of the people behind the Brass Eye Paedo-geddon episode) this was a short (5 episode) UK TV series (also shown as a single stand alone 'movie' episode) based on the premise that the only people left alive after a zombie outbreak are the dim-wits in the Big Brother house. It's a great piece of TV that hopefully will herald a resurgence of quality boundary pushing, genre-defining TV that has been solely lacking from the UK of late.
Also it's a joy that after so many bad ones we finally get two quality zombie 'films' in a row (this one and Rec). Hallelujah.
Dead Space: Downfall
Anime spin-off from the game of the same name. I really don't think I need to say anymore.
Diary of the Dead
Poor acting, clunky storyline, woeful delivery means this is a poor addition to the saga.
It gets better as it goes along without ever actually getting to be very good.
Doomsday
Scottish Mad Max 3 which inexplicably turns into Camelot in the middle. Utter piffle.
Downfall
For those that don't know, this is the 'story' of the last days of Hitler and his cronies trapped in the bunker in a besieged and rapidly collapsing Berlin. Central to the plot is the experiences of his secretary Traudl Junge but this feels mostly like a device used to give the viewer a sympathetic character to identify with. Beautiful sets and direction, a script that never for a second lets up and an ensemble performance by a cast that deserve every accolade heaped upon them. The fact that this film is a German made film only adds to the fact that it is a stunning piece of work. An absloute must see.
Futurama - Benders Big Score
Futurama never really grabbed me the way The Simpsons did. I'm glad it's back though cause this was fun but nothing earth shattering.
Futurama: Beast with a Billion Backs
Much the same as the previous film. Watchable but nothing to really recommend.
The Golden Compass
The kid playing Lyra is a revelation who acts Nicole Kidman off the screen whenever they're together, the effects are ok, the ending is weak and they've removed the God aspect to appease stupid people and their retarded medieval superstitions. Enjoyable but mindless - I expected better.
Hancock
Some laughs...not many.
Some nice effects...not enough.
Some good set-pieces...too few and way too far apart.
Unfortunately these are all in the first half. The second half is complete nonsense.
I watched it whilst laid up with a stinking cold.
It did it's job...just.
Hell Ride
Tarrantino produced Hells Angels movie that with the exception of Vinnie Jones is well worth a watch. It's done on the cheap and is another attempt at the Grindhouse audience. It's better than his Death Proof - which is a very watchable film - and manages to be entertaining throughout it's rollercoaster runtime.
Hitman
Bald guy with a bar code tattooed onto the back of his head travels the world killing people. Not exactly incognito and not exactly any good.
I Am Legend
I am bored.
In Bruges
The scenery is easily the best thing here but there are some fun moments and it manages to remain watchable throughout
The Incredible Hulk
So much better than the Ang Lee abortion from the other year. This is the Hulk redone in line with the template Marvel have been refining over the last couple of years with Fantastic Four and Iron Man. It's fluffy and inoffensive and an entertaining enough way to pass an afternoon.
Indiana Jones
Like watching your dad dancing at a wedding. He's still got some moves but you just wish he'd sit down and behave himself.
Iron Man
My inner geek was doing somersaults over this movie. It's as light and fluffy as the fantastic four movies but looks fabulous and Downey is perfectly cast as Stark. Don't let the negative comparisons to Batman: The Dark Knight put you off. it's a different film with different aims and is well worth a watch.
Land of the Dead
I love zombie movies. I particularly love George Romero zombie movies (although a good Lucio Fulci is always welcome). So you can imagine how excited I was at the prospect of a new addition to the Dead (no longer a) Trilogy. Coming off the back of the adrenaline fix that was the 'Dawn of the Dead' remake and the hugely funny 'Shaun of the Dead' and with the original trilogy finally receiving it's due recognition I, naively, assumed that old George would finally be given the budget and the freedom to take the genre to the heights you always new he could. Instead what we get is an allusion to what could have, and should have, been wrapped up in a sacharine and largely inconsequential storyline about a truck. Throughout the film you can, quite literally, feel the presence of a studio executive lurking over the directors shoulder tutting whenever the movie starts to actually evolve into something other than the action movie it turned out to be. Given all this though I did enjoy it. The scenes with the zombies are pure Romero with relentless, shuffling, hordes of the blighters still evolving and still a lot more sympathetic than their prospective dinner. I just wish he'd been allowed to make the rest of the film too.
The Machinist
Psychological thrillers need to be written with the finest of pens. Subtle lines and marks that lead the viewer towards the inevitable, but unpredictable, conclusion. The Machinist however was written with a crowbar dunked in shit. 20 minutes in and you're fairly sure where the plot is going. 40 minutes in and you're absolutely certain. From that point on it's just a matter of sitting back and watching it happen. It's not a boring film, it's not a bad film but it is a predictable film and by definition you cannot have a predictable thriller. Oh, and the very last scene made me want to put my foot through the tv screen.
Mirrormask
A movie written by Neil Gaiman and directed by Dave McKean was always going to be a pretty enticing prospect for me. I love Gaiman's writing. Gaiman's world is one populated by characters and situations usually more at home in fairytales (the original pre-victorian ones not their crappy watered down versions) and gothic horrors. McKean's art for essentially the same reasons.
All the pre-release hype and interviews (and the extras on the dvd) kept referring to the tiny budget. At the time i thought they were labouring a point but now i know why. Essentially the film consists of lots of static set pieces with the actors reduced to talking their way through the plot instead of being allowed to move around the, visually sumptuous, world that McKean has created. The beauty of Gaiman's writing and McKean's art is the scope and that's still apparent through the use of green screen (for almost the entire movie) which allowed them to build an utterly fantastical reality but which, in turn, stiffled both the actors and ultimately the movie.
Lastly, it is a shame they aimed it at kids as it really would have benefited if they'd got a lot darker, a lot creepier and a hell of lot scarier.
The Mist
A Stephen King movie with a good ending! I know, I was shocked too. Premise - a strange mist rolls into a small coastal town and traps a group of people in a shop. They bicker and argue and one rants endlessly about God's retribution (Stephen King cliche #1) then shit happens and on the whole it's not half bad after a bit of a slow start.
Monkey Dust - series one
(BBC)
Animated tv series featuring a variety of new up and coming UK TV comedians such as Rob Baynham. Bitting satire meets scatalogical humour of the basest kind in this riotously funny series. Characters such as 'Classically Trained Actor', 'First Time Cottager' and the 'Meatsafe Murderer (with Mr Hoppy)' take animation into the areas normally only populated by the little voice in the back of your head. Beautifully drawn and animated with scripts that can, and do, go anywhere this is highly recommended.
Mutant Chronicles
I liked this a lot. Made like Sin City with a sort of futuristic steampunk feel to it. Sure there are plot holes you could drive a steam(punk)train through but what the hell. Beautiful looking with a quality cast that obviously took it seriously without ever taking it too seriously. Always nice to see a sci-fi movie with an actual sci-fi setting and premise.
My Name is Bruce
...Campbell and I'm going to trade on it to make a film that looks ok on paper but is pretty bad in actuality. I'll get the cheapest actors I can find, bang a script together over lunch and stick in some pointlessly smug references to my other (better) films and I'll make some easy money.
Nightwatch
Good and evil / light and darkness are in balance due to an ancient agreement. The bad things are watched over by the Nightwatch but of late things aren't really going too well. A Russian vampire movie with ideas above it's station and all the better for it. Take the opening battle sequence, spliced together in such a way that half of it looks like it's from 'Lord of the Rings' and the other half from 'Lord of the Cockrings'. I love a bit of amateurism in my movies but the differences in quality on display here, even within the context of one scene, are massive. Apparently this is the first of a proposed trilogy which should see the budgets, the technical expertise, the plot and acting improve. Even if this isn't the case, two more like this would be more than welcome.
No Country for Old Men
A sprawling noir that reinstates the Coens as the modern masters of the genre.
Pineapple Express
I'm eagerly awaiting Zack & Miri Make a Porno so I thought I'd check out a Seth Rogen film in the meantime as I'd not seen any. He's personable enough as are the other cast members but this is essentially Cheech and Chong for the texting generation with a paper thin plot and a few laughs.
Ping Pong
A Japanese film about table tennis based around the manga of the same name just deserves to be watched don't you think. The tale of two young friends maturing into adulthood against the backdrop of several tournaments. Peco (brash and foolhardy) and Smile (introvert and sullen) have a complex relationship of interdependance that is not immediately apparent but comes to fruition (along with a number of side stories) through the course of this truly mesmerising movie. A great ensemble cast and a script that plays with your preconceptions by taking the cliches of a sporting movie (there's even a training montage) and using them to further it's own infinitely more subtle ends. You'll suspect you know where the story will climax but you won't necessarily be right and the journey it takes you on before getting there is worth taking again and again and again.
Planet Terror
Hugely enjoyable mindless zombie(ish) romp. A movie like I grew up watching in the eighties on dodgy, fucked up 8th generation VHS copies because the BBFC were a bunch of wankers.
REC
The slowest of slow starts transforms into one of the most wonderfully visceral scary movies I've seen in a good long while. Made for the Spanish equivalent of the price of three packs of Tic-Tacs and a Pot Noodle, it's a blood-thirstily, blood-curdling zombie(ish) splatter-fest. The only thing I struggled with is the whole single camera thing which is getting a bit old now (and was never that great an idea to start with) but don't let that put you off because this thing is fabulous.
Run Fat Boy Run
Unoriginal, unfunny and unwatchable.
Shoot 'Em Up
Leave your brain at the door and it's not half as bad as you imagine it's going to be. An action scene stretched over an entire movie with it's tongue firmly planted in it's cheek.
Shut Up And Sing
When I started WWR I'd have never thought that the Dixie Chicks would make an appearance but this documentary charting the 3 years of hassle they got from right wing fucknuts across America after their singer mentioned their dislike for George W. This is a fantastic film which ends on the most amazing high-note.
Sky Blue
(Tartan)
I'm not a big fan of anime. Akira bored me senseless and Ghost in the Shell was gibberish (to name just two). I approached this film from the angle of 'There's nothing else here that I haven't watched so it'll have to be this." and I quite enjoyed it. Usual post apocalypse type stuff. Big bad rulers oppressing the workers. Workers subsequently unite and overthrow oppresive regime. Blah blah blah. But it is very well done. The plot, as simplistic as it is, is watchable, the voices fit the characters and the animation is flawless. A mindless but reasonably entertaining hour and a half.
Starship Troopers 3: Marauders
Better than the second one but that is no sort of recommendation whatsoever.
Taken
The beginning and the end are taken (badum-tshh) from the cheesiest of teen movies and the rest of the film is just a little bit pointless. It's like a geriatric Bourne crossed with that Harrison Ford film where he loses his wife. Not The Fugitive the one set in Paris which I can't be bothered to look up. You know the one. It was pretty rubbish but waaaay better than this crap.
10,000 BC
If, like me, you grew up on a diet of Doug McClure movies then chances are you'll enjoy this.
30 Days of Night
Interesting that such a good premise can be made into such a bad film. Buy the comic instead and then at least you've got Templesmith's beautiful art to look at. In fact scratch that, buy Warren Ellis' 'Fell' because then you've got Templesmith's art and Ellis' fab story and there's no stupid vampires.
28 Weeks Later
99 minutes later I realised I'd eaten my own spleen out of sheer boredom.
2019: After the Fall of New York
(23rd Century)
A lone figure stares ruefully over a ruined (plastic model of) New York, he raises a trumpet to his lips and starts playing a, well, he starts playing a synthesizer actually because no trumpet in the world ever made that sound. A long slow pan accompanied by a scene setting voice over allows you ample opportunity to view the artistry involved in making a set quite so badly. Basic plot outline of 'Euraq has conquered America but as a result of the weapons used no one is giving birth anymore. The remaining inhabitants of NY are being rounded up and used in terrible experiments by the nasty horse riding Europeans. Hidden somewhere in the city though is the last fertile female on the planet and there's only one blah blah blah'. There're midgets, apemen, knights in armour, gouged eyes, car-jousting, exploding heads, cyborgs, mad professors and a girl in suspended animation. Everything you could ever want from a movie (with the notable exception of zombies) is here in spades. Italian 'apocalypse' cinema at its cheapest and at its finest.
Wanted
The comic book is so good the movie is so so. Some fun set pieces but the director did more with less in Nightwatch.
Wicker Man (the remake)
Look I know our policy is to not rubbish anything but i've got to say this is dogshit. Utter, utter, utter garbage. Don't pay for it, don't pay for the electricity to download it, don't invest the energy needed to steal it. if someone gives it to you don't take it and if you meet anyone involved with the making of it kick them in the balls - twice. Basically, what I'm saying here is...just don't!
It's a calamity of a movie. In a just universe, God would dedicate existence to urinating on every one involved in making this!
Wristcutters: A Love Story
I know it sounds like it's going to be emo hell but Wristcutters is a subtle and witty life-affirming tale of both the afterlife and the currentlife. Understated performances, sympathetic characters and a simple but intriguing storyline. I loved this film.
